Thursday, January 18, 2007

How to be Annoying

How about "A Hundred and One Ways to Start a Fight"?
Proprietor: ...By?
Customer: An Irish gentleman whose name eludes me for the moment.

I have a vast talent for being annoying and feel it is time to share this rich resource with the world. Follow this advice and you can turn your life into a Larry David like struggle with everything.
The key point to being really obnoxious is to act in a way that to an untrained observer seems perfectly friendly but to the intended target is incredibly insulting. Body language is a great way to wind up people, particularly if they are of a different culture. Most people will not accept that you thought it was de rigueur to blow your nose in a strangers t-shirt but equally annoying habits can be passed of as lack of cultural knowledge.
There now follows a list of completely innocent body language mistakes I have made in the past.
1. Attempting to tell the head of the Saudi Arabian Special Olympics delegation that everything was ok I made the divers ok sign. This is index finger touching your thumb with your other fingers relaxed. This to him meant “you are an asshole”. The diplomatic incident part of the evening then ensued.
2. Jogging your legs. Harmless appendage over activity to a Westerner is about as pleasant as hearing nails run down a blackboard while watching someone poking at their eyeball to the Nipponese. Try this next time you are at a Japanese restaurant it has the same effect as a pet scarer at a seeing eye dog centre.
3. Soles of your feet. Again with the Arabs. I seem to have some sort of unintentional social hari-kari when it comes to Mohammedians. Engaged in a nice chat cross your legs so your foot rests on your knee with your sole pointing towards an Arab. It is pretty equivalent to wiping your dick on their curtains.
4. Thumbs up sign to a Sicilian. There are a lot of holes in the desert and I nearly ended up in one.

Tragically this list could continue but the remembered embarrassment has started constrict me so I am going to leave it there. Still things are looking up now Ireland has gone from bad to diverse. I do not even need to go leave the country to cause an international incident.


Bionic Laura said...

On the same topic:
Someone I have only just met told me I was annoying the other day. I know I'm annoying, I don't need to be told :-)
Usually when you meet new people that you need to work with you keep up the pretence of finding them bearable. It makes things much easier.
So much of life is based on this comedy of pretending we like people. As Morrissey said In my life, why do I smile at people who I'd much rather kick in the eye ?

Max Radical said...

Afraid the increased diversity in Dublin won't give you that full "Life-endangerings" experience. The people in dublin will know that they are out of their home country, and act in moderation when responding to percieved insults or other cultures.

You know, they way you DON'T when you're abroad, being an ignorant white devil.