Monday, December 17, 2007

Peak Oil

The world is living through a period of declining oil supplies. All attempts by politicians, capitalists and Nazis to deny this are black lies designed to dupe the sheep population.
The graph below illustrates the catastrophic reduction in oil production that has been experienced.

Without whale oil we would have nothing to power our whale oil lamps. The sudden rise in darkness levels will cause people to commit crime and lead to a rise in illegitimate children. Also without baleen, which is used for stiffening clothing, gentlemen will appear dishevelled and unattractive and so no gentleman shall be able to attract ladies of good virtue.

The only measure available to us is to ban the use of whale oil lamps by individuals and to make everyone live in giant communes in tree top settlements. If we do not ban individuals from using whale oil we will end up with drastic price rises in whale oil which will end civilisation and reduce us all to using lights made from bugs kept in jars. Whale oil has already reached (in 1855) reached $1500 a barrel, what more evidence is needed that it is time to abandon capitalism and democracy then this?

Friday, December 07, 2007

The Future Rocks

“Each household appliance is like a new science in my town” Morrissey

We live in amazing times. My work toilet has gotten in a Dyson Airblade dryer. It feels like I am in Buck Rodgers. You go along and put your hands into it, which is quite unsettling as all new technology should be. This machine is just waiting to rise up when the robots decide to kick off, then it will dismember users by cutting their hands off with superpowered air.

The other thing is it looks genuinely futuristic. Most technology nowdays is designed to be unnoticeable. Which is crap, all the cool stuff should be easily spotted. Like hoverpants, I did not learn to cycle a bike till last year because I was convinced we would all travel by hoverpants at this stage.

I have become dangerously obsessed with using it. I have drank 10 cups of water already today just to get back to it. I went to the other bathroom and drying my hands with a towel made me feel like a fucking animal. You know like the sort of inbred pumpkin who wipes his noise on his sleeve. I cannot wait to lord it over anyone who has not used the handryer of the future.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

The Christianisation of Yule

I tried to go out and buy my traditional pagan tree, holly and mistletoe last year to find that the price had been driven up by Christians. I mean really this parthenogenesis cult even steals babies with orbs. The Roman God Sol Invictus whose feast day was December 25th. He was also drawn with an orb around his head the same way Christ is portrayed. And on his feast day gifts were exchanged.

Are none of my beliefs sacred to these plagiarists?

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Columbo Drinking Game

Drink when
1. Columbo mentions his wife. Columbo does not in fact have a wife but a harem of nubile wenches eager to debase themselves for his every trenchcoated whim.
2. Columbo turns up completely at random in a stalkery way (two drinks if it is at a sporting event).
3. When there is a close up of the bad guy looking smug (you know the look of “ah this crumpled fool he will never catch me for my fiendishly over complicated murder plot”)
4. When Columbo destroys evidence.
5. When he says “there is just one more thing”

Robot Wars

Wired is reporting on the advances in using robots in war situations. This raises moral issues because it becomes much easier to use force if you are unlikely to suffer as a result.

Say the robots works exactly as planned, i.e. does not attempt to find Sarah Conners. Now instead of having to invade a country and risk votes and lives you get to drop "rods of god" from orbit and clean up afterwards with the robots mopper uppers.
Cut to TV newsflash
"Today our great superstate of Freedonia neutralised a threat to this great nation in 5 minutes with no loss of Freedonian lives. The dangerous goat herders of darkydarkistan who the government has secret evidence were involved in one of the following
1. Drugs that we do not get to tax
2. Use of weapons which we sold them
3. Looking at us funny
have been brought freedom. Now back our attempts to sell you stuff between videos of your comedic accidents"

Tinky Winky has converted to Islam. Renamed himself Mohammed

Fans of the Teletubbies were left confused and cranky Monday when the new episode revealed an attempt to spread Sharia law. In the episode Tinky Winky beats the shit out of Laa Laa because she refuses to cover up her sinful flesh.

Dipsy was not allowed render medical assistance to Laa Laa due to his having male genitalia on his head. Po who has also converted to Islam could have helped but after hearing Laa Laa and Dipsy had hugged in public had an unlikely cooking accident where boiling oil was spilled on Laa Laa.

Rupert the bear said of his close friend Tinky Winky "I love marmalade sandwiches and killing teachers. Yes if some teacher tried to rename me I would hope she was stoned".

Fans await with some confusion the next episode of the Teletubbies "Lets hunt and kill Miss Piggy".