Tuesday, July 24, 2007

What do you have to do to get dumped?

A WOMAN who admitted the attempted murder of her husband and three children has been given five suspended life sentences after her husband begged she not be sent to jail.

The 28-year-old - who cannot be named for legal reasons - set fire to the family home almost two years ago. Yesterday,

She set fire to your family home? Sweet imagine getting to break up with someone and not having to do the you are dumped talk, how cool would that be? no guilt or anything.

the court heard that despite almost killing her husband and children, she is now living back in the family home and has been forgiven by her partner.

Has this woman got a golden gee or something? What on earth could she offer that would be worth the risk of getting yourself barbequed? I know what your thinking but no even if she could cook like Nigella Lawson would you really trust her around open flames?
it was also revealed that she'd moved her things into a flat in Limerick the week before the fire, where four insurances policies were found, the largest of which was worth €180,000 if her husband had died.

Call me cynical but does the idea of a paranoid schizophrenics with such careful planning seem suspicious to you? I heard in the radio news that the woman believed that satan had told her the house was possesed and should be burned down. I never pictured satan as this Eddie Hobbesian figure of shrewd financial planning.

"Hi I'm Eddie Satan. Before you kill your family it is important that you lay plans for your financial future. I would fill out Hibernian life assurance form 1a6C" I never pictured delusional hallucinations as so helpful and informative.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

The need for the toll

Why can't women understand some vital aspects of the male Psyche? For instance why we must have the toll fare ready.
There are grave consequences to arriving at the toll bridge without the correct change at hand. The toll roads authority have a big list of two types of people who will be rounded up when the revolution comes.

People who do not have the correct change ready. Sensors on the machines make sure the coins are at body temperature from being held in clammy hand sweating in anticipation of the pressure of completing the toll gauntlet correctly.

People who put in too much money. A rounded up coin are obviously too swish and should be rounded up at first available opportunity

Extra point are clearly given to anyone who sellotapes the coins together showing the forward planning that made this country great.

I hope to illustrate many of the apparently mysterious methods of the Irish male. Why do we park a mile away from a GAA ground "so we can get away quick", why do we leave one biscuit in the packet. why do we need to have a severed head before going to the doctor, why do sandwiches taste better when eaten from a boot and even for the posher folk why does Heino taste better from a CBG glass? All these questions will be answered

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Irish Summer Tourism

I have been warning about the lack of investment in Irish tourism for years. All the investments in golf courses have left our industry wide open to the vagaries of the weather.
This summer is the rainiest in years damaging the sales of sun related products.
People are holidaying abroad. As Ireland has nothing to do in the rain. This need not have happened. In 1985 the rainy summer lead to an epidemic of moving statues.

If we had nurtured these young upcoming moving statues we could now be a Mecca for religious pilgrimages. Instead the Mexicans with their Jesus’ face in the toast and the fence with the Virgin Mary have cornered the market in workaday miracles.

So when the tourist industry complains about the lack of income tell them that had they invested in these statues and not let their gesticulation talents go unappreciated Ireland could have been the world capital of motile marble.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Should Rushdie be Knighted?

I have heard numerous arguments over whether Salman Rushdie should receive a knighthood. The arguments that say no seem based about three issues
1. Knighthoods are bad because the Queen gives them
2. His books are awful
3. We should lube up and bend over and take it from some Islamic nutjobs who are throwing a hissy fit because someone has insulted their imaginary friend.

I think it is important to recommend Rushdie for a knighthood for services to a particular set of individuals. The much maligned ugly bloke.

What hope it gives us that such a spectacularly ugly bloke has managed to marry a woman so insanely out of his league.

Chalk one up to the ugly blokes on this one. There has not been such an unlikely couple since Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts my only guess is this is another answer to my previous question of "are there other celebrities with giant extremities?"

For services in giving hope to ugly men alone he deserves a knighthood.