Monday, April 30, 2007

National Anthem 2

Your votes have been tabulated using a giant electronic brain. While I am discussing national anthems have you ever noticed how you can tell how crap a country is based on how many trumpets there are in the national anthem? If it sounds like something you would hear in a Speedy Gonzales cartoon you can bet there is a president for life with an impressive collection of medals on his chest. And word of advice, never get arrested in a country with a different alphabet. If they are getting you to sign stuff with squiggles on it you are not going to see the sun for a long time.

Anyway the new national anthem as voted for by the discerning readers of this blog should be “Back in Ireland” by Scooter a fine stirring rave tune from the mid nineties.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

The National Anthem

Why do we not change the national anthem? Singing about being a soldier and wanting to kill Sasanachs is not really what/how I regard myself. What else could we use for an anthem?

1. Thunderstruck: Already is the unofficial redneck national anthem. Everyone has been in a barn of a county nightclub watching the local muldoons banging their feet as the cider courses through their veins to this song. ACDC are not Irish though
2. Where’s my jumper? Picture the football team jumping around to the moshing bit, the opposition would be terrified, we would never lose a game again.

3. Fields of Athenry: No no for the love of god no more, particularly with southside west brits shouting “sinn fein” “ira”. Why stop there? Why not shout Al Qaeda while you are at it?
4. Don’t forget "Don’t forget your shovel". I have managed a reverse Quine.

5. Jimmy Jimmy: OOOOOOGG the Undertones pogo teen Romeo and Juliet using three chords all of them g

6. Speed to my side: Rollerskate Skinny. Anything by my bloody Valentine. Not going to get them singing in the aisles these ones.

7. Fiesta:The Pogues. Most times you hear the anthem you are pissed and the pub is closing. You might as well have a song designed to be sung when plastered. Checkmate to the Pogues.

8. Floating: Jape

9. Only Losers take the bus:Fatima Mansions. I cannot think of another song that better sums up yuppie consumer me me me country we live in.

10. Screamager Therapy? Let us make our country look like that weird kid no one plays with. They are always the most interesting people.

11. Nothing compares to you. Sometimes I cry you know.

I put these songs in a playlist here. Let me know if any should be added.

Friday, April 13, 2007

How to be Annoying 2

This week I found out I had a sense I never knew about. This is the ability to detect the polarisation of light. This is also a spider sense so crime fighting and injecting digestive enzymes into my still living food awaits me.
Anyway once I show people this amazing new sense they will believe all sorts of other "new" senses I tell them about.
I am going to spend the week going
"I smurl a bee in your room"
"Have you flurned when that bulb will break? Should we just change it now?"
"This cold is terrible I cannot qee a thing. I hope I do not get stuck
in a locked room"

Then when they ask what smurling, flurning and qeeing are I will just look at them like they wouldn't understand and shake my head slowly.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Humanity’s Greatest Challenge

“The earliest known pottery vessels may be those made by the Incipient Jomon people of Japan around 10,500 BC.”

Yes those cunning blighters managed to make pottery over ten thousand years ago. In these ten millennia of improvement we managed to eradicate smallpox, walk on the moon, make enough plutonium that someone who believes god likes to go round knocking up virgins like a sailor on shore leave can kill us all in 20 minutes. You know sometime in those three million days of progress one invention might have been created. Pucker up cause this is a wild, far out crazy idea.

A mouthwash that did not leak everywhere.

No, no calm down, hold on before you burn me as a witch for suggesting such black magic quickly imagine such a world. Somehow possibly involving a Faustian pact with Beelzebub I believe we might within our lifetime live in a world where that weird sticky sweet liquid does not stain of bathroom shelves. If we can conquer sexism, racism, communism, tyranny injustice maybe, just maybe Colgate can make a bottle that does not fucking leak everywhere.
We should assemble the worlds best scientist, forget the Manhattan project that is a chemistry set in comparison, forget the Apollo program, a gentle Sunday afternoon jaunt. Global warming is a ghost of a myth of a pale imitation of a problem in when faced with this. The greatest challenge humanity has ever faced awaits us.

Forward to the red revolution

There was a guy on the radio news from the teachers union the ASTI saying about how they had past a motion to say that people in caring professions should be able to negotiate outside the benchmarking process. As in be able to break a contract. Anyway the union official says that the vote was one of “solidarity with our comrades" in the nurses union. Do union officials know Communism failed? While you are up for solidarity with your comrades why not bring back the gulag archipelagos, show trials and Stalin’s purges while we are at it? We can probably buy some cheap Lenin statues from the Russians seeing as for some reason those who had to live under Communism realized what a stupid idea it was.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Racism 3

Racism is irrational. This irrationality can be dealt with by the capitalist system.
There are loads of councils and NGO’s to encourage diversity in Ireland. I object to these on three grounds.

Firstly diversity is encouraged for its own sake. Diversity for a reason makes sense. Ethnic diversity for example is very useful in reducing the number of inherited diseases children suffer, however we should encourage the reduction of genetic diseases rather then diversity. Diversity is a population phenomenon like pressure or temperature and is only useful in relation to its consequences.

Secondly these groups are inherently racist. Assuming that just because people come from different countries or ethnic backgrounds means they will be different is a definition of racism. I work with people from at least ten countries. Because we are all a very specific type of nerd we are all very similar. I have a lot more in common with these people I work with who are interested in the same areas and think in a fairly similar manner then I do with the vast majority of people from the same socio-economic, ethnic and physical location background. Ayn Rand put it this way "... it is obvious that...a successful, self-made black businessman has more interests in common with white businessmen than with a black mugger". Assuming that diversity means coming from far away and looking different is racist.

Thirdly these organizations tend not to be capitalist enterprises. I say this is important because as Rand points out “capitalism is the only system that functions in a way which rewards rationality and penalizes all forms of irrationality, including racism.” Judging someone based not on their abilities and actions but on superstition makes no rational sense. Any company who hires less competent individuals or who treats people worse based on their gender, ethnic background or phrenology bumps will be at a competitive disadvantage to their competitors. Capitalism inherently punishes this lack of rationality. NGO’s and councils are not subject to these same pressures to behave rationally.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Pyramid Scams

"A pyramid scheme (also known as "Pyramid Scam" is a non-sustainable business model that involves the exchange of money primarily for enrolling other people into the scheme, usually without any product or service being delivered."

We are encouraged to have kids so that they can pay for our retirement. They want us to pay for our parents retirement. By our parents they mean other peoples parents. Does this not sound like a pyramid scheme to you?

Here is a crazy new idea from over 200 years ago by a weird discredited communist/libertarian fascist or whatever else you want to call someone when it is time to ignore them called Thomas Paine
"Every age and generation must be as free to act for itself, in all cases, as the ages and generations which preceded it. Man has no property in man, neither has any generation a property in the generations which are to follow."

While I am on a rant about pensions the Irish Government is looking at making having a pension mandatory.

Now this smells like a chocolate cone from fecalphilliacs ice-cream company during an ecoli epidemic.
Pensions already are mandatory. Am I being told the PRSI I pay was a voluntary thing? Why was it not requested in little boxes by the cash register then? What other taxes/laws have actually been voluntary all this time without me noticing? If it is the one about the age of consent of blonde goats then happy days.
When did gambling become compulsory? Pensions really mean buying shares. Shares which are mainly owned by rich people.
"In 2003 the top 1 percent of households owned 57.5 percent of corporate wealth"
Making poor people buy shares is casinomics and it is increasing the wealth of the very wealthy. We all have to buy the shares the very wealthy own, these shares go up in price due to increased demand. The very wealthy make money.
We have had Casinomics for some time. Most of the sport in this country is paid for by the national lottery. Poor people do the lottery rich people play the sports everyone we should care about wins.

So let us avoid the hypocrisy and just introduce a poor tax. This would cover the current earners of
1. The lottery
2. enforced pensions that mainly benefit the top 1%
3. "luxury taxes" on cigarettes that mainly the poor smoke
4. Shops in poor areas are more expensive due to security costs. This means they pay more vat as well. So the government gets money out of areas being crime ridden.
5. Mortgage interest rate goes up the higher risk you are.
6. Mortgage interest relief. That is if you can afford a mortgage, poor people cannot. They can afford for their tax money to reduce the amount of interest I pay on my mortgage though. Thanks for that. While they are paying my mortgage could they also give me a few quid for a new car and maybe a yacht?

Instead of all these and many more “poor taxes” would it not just be easier and make them work in chain gangs at the side of the road a few days a week? There is no difference between making someone give 20% of their wage away to me and making them work 20% of the time for me. So instead of this poor tax just give the unkempt street urchins my address and get them to tend to my garden one day a week. It would seem a lot more efficient.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Where’s Wally Jihad Edition

Sent to Afghanistan to infiltrate the Taliban Waldo (aka Wally) is believed to have gone native and joined Al-Qaeda. A series of training manuals have been produced to aid in locating Waldo. Millions of these “Where’s Waldo” children’s books were produced it was believed that such a widely known character was bound to be found. However even with these vast resources he still remained elusive.

To make the training more realistic “Where’s Waldo” books with contextual information were created. “Where’s Waldo covert ops” addition includes Waldo hiding in an unlit cave. This does make the task of finding him more difficult. The book also has a recreation of that gay Osama training video with the ninjas using monkey bars. The video includes pictures of the long rumoured Al Qaeda training camp swing set and roundabout. Saudi Arabia plays the role of the sandpit.

Not convinced by the inability of the millions of children trained in Waldo surveillance to find him a number of similar books are in production.
• The Pantheist version of “Where’s god”, officially classed as the easiest puzzle book since “where’s your asshole? Flashlight edition”.

Actually I am going to stop there the jokes write themselves at this point.
Arrange the following to make your own jokes
Where’s X? Y edition

X = WMD, God, Glaciers, Leprechaun
Y = Tom Cruise, Dawkins, Iraq, Carbon

Have you got anymore?