Sunday, January 20, 2008

Product Names: Cop the fuck on

I was in a shop buying a baby present the other day and I saw this abomination

Why the hell would you want your child to be like the baby Einstein? He did not learn to speak till he was about seven. And why the hell would you want a 2 year old knowing the Natural numbers? They drove Cantor and Goedal mad and they were smarter then someone who shits themselves all the time.

Actually I do not think shitting yourself means your stupid. I think babies do it because their bored by the bullshit go goo da da people say to them. Because of this I have started to shit my pants whenever someone boring speaks to me.

And if baby Einstein is the stupidest product name ever how come we have a sudden year inflation in product names? in 1980 in order to make things seem futuristic they were given "2000" at the end of the product. The "Nilfix 2000" hoover made you think that this was the sort of thing we would be using in space while eating our pill for breakfast after we had fucked our green wife. But now everything is "3000" in a thousand years time. It is ok to claim your product is from 20 years in the future but 1000 years is taking the piss. We probably won't even have arseholes never mind skin that creates dust that requires hoovering.

And why must everything have a galactic name. There was a hoover in the shop today called "galaxy" I did not buy it because I could not stand the existential doubt it would create. "what if everytime I turn on the Hoover I create some mass catastrophe a tiny minature galaxy?", "What if I live in a hoover belonging to a giant?" "maybe i will become a god to the hoover living people" all these difficulties arose.

Also how small can things get? Ipod nano is taking the piss, what is next femto and peto? A music player so small you put it in your ear and it feeds off your brainwaves? When you get down to the nano scale you have bizarre quantum events. does this mean the ipod nano really exists or only when you are listening to it?

Speaking of which. What he fuck?

Should we stick this beardy goat fucker in a cage with a smoke detector and a gun? If the Schrodingers cat situation is created what will happen? Seeing as he is already in a half alive half dead state is a superposition of states even possible? If we stick the crazy bastard in Schrodingers torture device seeing as he is already in the half dead half alive state maybe it would change the equation and give us a proper answer.

As Samuel Beckett said always leave them with a joke. I thought my ads for a site for old people were undergoing click fraud. Thing was all the guys with Parkinsons were clicking about 100 times.

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