Thursday, January 24, 2008

Who is the campest cereal mascot?

Cap'n Crunch

A man whose chief interests are children’s nutrition, scurvy and sodomy. Always a good mixture that one.

Lucky Charms
Leprachauns are scary. They trick you with promises that have horrible ironic consequences. Ah the sweet sugary lucky charms with the mild consequence of a lifetime of obesity leading to them cutting off your foot when the diabetes gets bad. Eventually you die sugar blinded and unable to hop out of the room. Those marshmallows? Tombstones designed for the Celtic midget to mock your Faustian pact with the breakfast gods.

Honey Nut Cheerios
Ah bees the poor gullible buzzy fucks. How can an entire species be so stupid as to be so freaked out by smoke they lose all ability to do anything? Ok thinking about my college experience that is a stupid question.

Still though on the scale of weird eating bee poo has to be high up there. I tell children that ear wigs make marmalade just to mess up their heads.

Yummy Mummy

How many onanist unidexterious sweaty internet crawlers have had there romantic mood ruined by this deceased damsel? Between this bint and Count Chocula how many children are reduced to bed wetting neurotics by starting everyday with the undead?

Tony the Tiger
Tony is without doubt the campest man on television. The poor fucker is trapped in the closet by the evil machinations of the corporate cereal world. This guy makes Liberace look butch. Forget marriage if you want to advance gay rights we need to fight to get Tony out loud and proud. And no a "Don't ask don't tell" policy will not work, cereal mascots have no private lives. They cannot go civilian it is against the whole metaphysical bargain they enter into.

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